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TITLE: One Night In China
STARRING: Joanie Laurer and Sean Waltman
CREDITS: Directed by Sean Waltman
MEMORABLE LINE: “Chair Ma-Mao, I've got two words for you, you're dead.”
SCENE 1/ “Get Ready To Rumble?” (Joanie Laurer and Sean Waltman)
Part travelogue, part amateur porn, all train wreck spectacle. These are what “One Night In China” is to me. Red Light's unlikely follow up to Paris Hilton's sexpose is a dizzy and oftentimes confusing piece of business that I wish the former Chynna Doll (Joanie Laurer) and X-Pac (Sean Waltman) had kept hidden beneath the sheets, for eternity. Cashing in on their past celebrity may seem incorrigible but doing it through porn is just plain pathetic, especially to these World Federation has-beens.
A few of you may have noticed already that the title is a pun for the leading lady's moniker during her WWF days. Sean supposedly visits China, to explore the sights and sounds of Tiannenman Square, and the Great Wall. He also does a different kind of exploring with someone of a similar name but due to legal reasons, has to be reduced as a pun. I guess by now, you get my drift.
In the first few minutes, Sean is our guide who takes us to the streets of Beijing. Sticking like a sore dick, he swaggers like a buffoon in Tiannenman Square and disses (stupidly enough) the late Mao Tze Tung. Then in an unprecedented manner, the movie turns black and white where we see Joanie in a butch leather outfit inside their hotel room. With a few un-seductive poses that looks as if a post-op tranny was wearing bondage wear for plus-size women, Joanie shows us the goods with a flashlight and eventually goes into prolonged oralizing with Sean. During this time, the camera is shaky, off focus and terribly under lit that sometimes you don't know what the fuck is happening! When Sean buries his head into her groin, our suspension of disbelief has grown to boredom as the camera proceeds to stare at the act at a distance. There is a mish at the end. But I feel like I accidentally see my parents having sex. It disturbs you and you feel ashamed.
Thank God we have been spared of seeing Joanie's snatch up close!
SCENE 2/ “Two Men, Zits And An Ass” (Joanie Laurer and Sean Waltman)
Sean treks to the Great Wall, not only to marvel at the sights but also to serve as a foreboding to the magnitude of sex he has to face when he returns to the hotel room. He even finds the time to sing a few strains of the “Sound of Music”! Maybe to break the tension?
We finally return to Joanie, sitting on the washbasin, exposing her testosterone-fueled pierced cunt. A look into her vag is like watching an episode of the Discovery Channel entitled “Women Who Look Like Men”. Maybe because of her wanton use of male hormones, her clitoris is a bit engorged and somehow looks like a small penis. Her consort finally arrives and with her foot, starts stroking his bishop. Now it's his turn to fellate her, I mean munch her muff. Then, she reciprocates with another lazy blowjob. After a little while, she raises her two beefy ass cheeks riddled with zits and allows herself to be raided in the other Great Wall. A few more minutes later, I realize that he's already fucking her rosebud! The point-of-view is too close that we can't distinguish which hole he's plugging! Ironically enough, all these happen quietly. When we're so used to them grandstanding to a crowd, all Joanie can muster is a puppy-like whimper. Then with a painful race to the finish, she turns over for a mish (which, again, I now realize, is now happening outside the toilet). He finally cums on her ass cheeks. An ending that not only made us regret ever watching this movie, but an ending that cursed us for being too curious!